I’m working on getting comfortable with surrendering to my feelings. The unexpected repercussion being, I cry in public, a lot. And I’m kind of becoming ok with it. There is something truly beautiful about embracing raw emotion and letting it wash over you or even knock you over like a tidal wave. Life is in a tremendous shift for me at the moment. Moving in and out of feeling alive and ready to take on the world-for the first time stepping into my power, to just wanting to stay in bed all day with the covers over my head-to stay safe where I know the outcome. Choosing to grow outside of the comfort zone we create for ourselves is real gritty work. It exposes you. The Ego likes to incessantly chime in. I’ve been getting well acquainted with mine lately. I’m realizing my ego wants me to stay safe, to play small. And my true essence, my Divine Self, has to continuously choose to step forward. To be present. To show up, heart wide open. Willing to break open again and again.
The need to hide is absolutely appropriate in moments when us human beings need to connect with ourselves and process the array of feelings that bubble to the surface, especially in times of loss. Loss cracks us open so we can empty out. Freya Watson said it so eloquently in that “despair takes us deeply into ourselves and therefore far away from others”. I have begun to realize how important moving through these emotions as they arise is for self growth. This process requires hiding or going inward to truly melt into the process. Presence requires solitude. Each moment of despair is an opportunity for self growth and self love. Each opportunity holds within it a lesson. If we can not move into stillness and instead choose to numb out or fill the void, the lesson will inevitably show up down the road and we will once again find ourselves sprawled out in the middle of the living room floor with a bottle of vodka, wondering “how could this happen AGAIN”. Better to really feel it move through you, and move through it!
I am realizing that life is a series of beginning agains. There will always be challenges. And the more we want to grow, the more life throws our way. I found myself recently saying in a rock bottom moment that I just want to coast for awhile. But behind the idea of mindless coasting was the life I left behind. Coasting was exactly what I chose to step away from. Those moments when we pull ourselves up out of the coasting and find ourselves in the darkest places, they carry the weight that defines us. It is the beginning again that is the juicy part of life. Making the choice to be happy no matter what. Not so long ago in a moment where I felt wrecked by a love freight train, a friend said to me, “the sun will rise again tomorrow darling”. And with tears streaming down my face and a heart so heavy, I smiled back at him through sticky wet eyelashes, knowing that tomorrow was mine for the taking if I wanted it. All I have to be is willing to surrender to each moment, stay present and breathe. Just breathe.